ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

So a ‘Fairy Tale of New York‘ has been cast into exterior darkness by RTE because it offends gays – I thought it was the word fairy but it’s not, it’s another word.  And so the perpetually offended continue with their magnifying glasses looking for ‘bad words‘ and seek to have them removed from the airwaves in case someone is verbally wounded.  There is not a single song that will be able to escape the full rigour of snowflake scrutiny when this gets going full steam ahead.  This morning I found a book of Beatles songs on the piano stand and played some of them to amuse the new cat – sometimes he joined me on the keyboard – I do so hope that this does not offend anyone from animal welfare or the piano society.  But I couldn’t help thinking of what ‘bad words‘ might be found – and quelle surprise if you look hard enough – you will find them.  So here’s a few that the ‘perpetually offended’ might like to take offense at : “Carry That Weight” – could offend fat people.  “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” – will offend victims of violence.  “Let it Be” – could offend secularists.  “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)” – will definitely offend fat burds.  “I Want To Hold Your Hand” – could offend the perpetually offended in many ways.  “Blackbird” – even though it’s about a bird of the feathered variety with wings – some people may want this changed to ‘person of colour person’.  “Yellow Submarine” – may offend people who don’t like yellow – and they will exist believe moi.  And so on and so on and I haven’t even got to the Rolling Stones yet.  Then the novels come next.  It is indeed a brave new world we enter.  Meanwhile I’m going to a party tonight where there will be drink and men and I’ll wear a tight frock – at my age too – just trying to escape the euthanasia bullet before ‘being an annoying elder’ will be grounds for a lethal injection.  So there.  Then tomorrow I’ll do all sorts of things before the thought police catch up with me.  By the way this is a picture of a Christmas tree – not a holiday tree – not person tree – not a non-offense non nothing tree – it’s a Christmas tree and the cat loves it .  Chat soon.  Time to partayyy.

 

TootleChristmas 2014 006

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I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN…..

What do you call that thing when someone assumes what you mean and it’s not that at all?” I asked the child.  “A c**t” he replied.  That’s not the technical term – there is actually one – it’s a bit like a leading question in cross-examination in a court of law.  Anyway what happened was that I was at a conference today run by supposedly liberal types who embrace everything.  We had half an hour for lunch at a cafe in the venue and by the time some of us got to the checkout – 25 minutes of that were gone!  A plate of sandwiches left over from the VIP table was offered around.  “Are any of those vegetarian, cos I’m a vegetarian” I said.  “No, they’ve all got meat in them – sure I’m a vegetarian myself sometimes and I’ve had some of them” says yer wan.  There is no answer to this – the trick is not to even try.  I can never manage this trick and said that I was a vegetarian for a very long time and wasn’t going to change now – which prompted one of those ‘get her‘ looks.  A voice in my head told me not to mention climate change – liberals are liberal as long as you are liberal the way that they want you to be liberal.  “Can I have the cauliflower soup without the bacon bits on top” I asked at the checkout – “It’s got bacon right through it” said the wan.  Then it’s not fucking cauliflower soup is it.  I didn’t say this either.  Sometimes it’s just time to go home.  Which I did eventually – catching a bus full of schoolgirls who stood blocking the aisle (there were seats – plenty of them) with their rucksacks – “Excuse me” I said as I tried to pass them.  This term did not appear to feature in their vocabulary.  Some days you should just stay in bed.  Chat soon.

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THE NEW CAT

The new cat arrived on Saturday.  My friend A and I met for breakfast first and she came for the ‘handing over’ which was lovely.  Anyway over the breakfast she showed me a ‘fuckbook’ post from a male comedian who was quite upset because someone put a thumbs down sign at a post of a video of him doing comedy. Which shows a bit of thin skin.  Which is ironic really because it was the same comedian who took a bad review that I once got and flashed it around a pub after a comedy gig.  I wasn’t at said comedy gig – obs – but my friend A was – and she was witness to his joy at sharing my bad review to all and sundry.  And he was upset by a thumbs down?  What would happen if someone shared his bad press all over pubs for amusement.   Meanwhile the cat is adorable – like totally adorable – he is a long-haired black beauty who loves nothing better than to sit in your lap and nuzzle in.  Tomorrow is another day as they all are – this one brings a day at the seaside – which are also enjoyed in Winter. This is not the new cat – this is the deceased cat.  Chat soon.

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BENNY, BETTY AND BOB

Benny, Betty and Bob are three kittens who were born in a field in a less salubrious area of our capital city.  Fortunately they were rescued by an animal charity and fostered to caring cat people.  This weekend Benny arrives at the ‘des res‘ where he will be welcomed by his new mummy and two daddies and will be smothered in love for the rest of his ‘natural’. And that’s my Christmas story. Christmas 2014 006 New pet accoutrements have to be purchased and kitten food laid on.  His bed will be in the drawing-room where a fire will be lit to keep him warm at night.  The ‘cat inspector’ came on Monday to inspect the premises for suitability and wouldn’t you just know (Murphy’s Law) that we could hardly hear ourselves speak with the noise of the drilling ‘chez Drearie’.  Mrs D is once again having ‘men in‘.  This time it’s a new bathroom – one of the 6 is being replaced.  I knew she was due some home upgrade before the Chrizmiz – she hasn’t had a thing done for ages – she must be positively bored at this stage.  The noise was so loud that I actually expected a drill to come through the adjoining wall.  Meanwhile there will be no upgrades ‘chez nous‘ until Benny is well and truly settled in – which will be after the Chrizmiz – and the furniture is safe again.  What more could one want than a contented cat and a roaring fire.  When Mrs Cat inspector left the other day – I decided to remain at the fireside and read my Norwegian crime novel – the sheer joy of simplicity is a much underestimated pleasure let me tell you.  Otherwise it has been an exciting period on the performance front and joy was had from making people laugh – but the joy of a ‘cuddle cat’ – ‘sans pareil‘ as the French say.  Chat soon.

Tootle

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AND OTHERS

So a blast of cold air has hit Eire and it feels properly like Winter – almost a relief to be honest.  This mild winter business is a trial for women of a certain age who sweat.  Now there’s an excuse for the Winter dressing gown on and fried eggs for breakfast – that’s more like it.  However on the other hand there is a hesitancy about braving the dark cold air at the bus stop to go into town and perform stand up comedy for the reward of a few rounds of applause and being told that you’re funny.  At this time of years a few schecks towards the Christmas fund would be more welcome.  My experience of this incarnation has been that the schecks are issued for work that is tedious and arduous and you get the applause for work that one actually enjoys.  My life quest this time around seems to be to marry those two seemingly disparate statements.  Meandscn0844while I am doing a gig in town tonight and I am listed on the bill by my new stage name: ‘and others’.  No money plus anonymity – a new dip in the career trajectory but nihil desperandum as the man says – although the ‘man’ who said it probably didn’t perform on the Dublin comedy circuit.  On the other hand next week brings a gig in a new club and a trip to ‘de banks‘ where a family beano will ensure a warm welcome and lots of jollity.  On a totally different note altogether the postman has been delivering the youngest’s package from some internet crowd who sell weights to the body conscious hipster.  Several cwt in a small box – I nearly did myself a damage by trying to drag it from the doorstep to just inside the front door.  The postman didn’t even knock when he delivered it – sure how could he – the poor man probably had no strength left.  Now – time for a few ‘up and downs‘ in the 50 metre – there are very few things in life that can’t be cured by a good swim and a bit of a steam – provided you leave your cares in the car park that is.   Onwards and upwards. Today’s picture is a group of funny people (amusing – not odd) whom I did some comedy with in Greece.  Chat soon.

Tootle

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SANTA CLAWS

Hello, I’m Sharon, I’ll be doing your hair today” the young wan bellowed into my ear as she leant over me.  The lovely Polish girl with a lot of consonants in her name was off which is why I got Sharon.  There are a lot of deaf old ladies in the area but I’m not one of them so there was no need to shout.  I showed her a picture of my hair the way the Polish girl did it the last time – a simple style – easy to do one would have thought.  “Do you want shampoo for coloured hair?” she asked.  “I don’t have colour in my hair” I replied truthfully.  She nodded in disbelief.  Maybe the few grey hairs at the front would bear this out.  Then I saw the nails – Sharon sported inch and a half long purple nails – sharp nails as I discovered when she accidentally stabbed my head with one.  Pianists and typists require short nails and they only stab at keyboards – should not the same be a requirement for those charged with washing human heads?  I was expecting a wound but thankfully it didn’t happen.  Sharon’s memory of the Polish girls hairdo was soon forgotten and she proceeded to shape me into a middle-aged hausfrau from Ohio  circa 1954.  I stopped her and showed her the photograph again.  She wasn’t happy and asked me where I was going with the hairdo.  I said it was a work thing.  Which could mean anything – but I meant ‘conversation not required’.  I missed the Polish girl with all the consonants – she doesn’t converse – I tried in the beginning of our perfect hairdresser/client relationship but she wasn’t up for it – she prefers to concentrate on her work. She is a gem.  I could have got up early tomorrow – but then again sleep is sleep.  I didn’t leave a tip to the girl in trackie bottoms, orange make up and purple nails who nearly inflicted a wound.  I felt bad-ish but ever since I tipped the girl who gave me a lop sided bikini wax – with molten wax remaining on the ‘undercarriage’ – I promised myself that I wouldn’t tip bad service again.  Needless to say the Polish girl gets a large tip every time and doesn’t even need reminding what’s to be done.  Tomorrow will be an exciting day and sandwiches need to be made. It’s raining outside and mercury is retrograde – but reality can be our friend if we don’t run away from it.MANCHESTER MOLLS 006  Chat soon.

Tootle

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THINKING OUT LOUD

Sometimes I think out loud and people can hear it.  Tesco in the village is busy on a Sunday evening and even more so now with the ‘Xmas rush’ begun.  Some poor young lad was stocking the cool shelves with cartons of milk leaving only a tiny spot to get in and grab one – so I waited patiently while a man examined the dates on several cartons of banana flavoured milk to see which was the freshest – not the healthiest food choice for one’s children – but maybe he likes them fat.  Anyway then he continued and examined all the cartons on the shelves in case he had missed a date – like all – each and every one of them – then the words : “don’t worry I have nothing better to do with my life than stand here while you trace the history of every fucking carton of banana milk in the shop” – sort of escaped from my mouth.  I thought I was only thinking – but he heard me,  though he said nothing – wise man baldy.  When I came home I got a ‘missed call’ from a ‘private number’ – didn’t answer after being scammed out of my entire phone credit by an 882 number last week – they did it again but I didn’t answer.  Slightly embarrassed that I did it even the once.  There is probably a big cache of phone credit somewhere in Nigeria thanks to all the people with bad eyesight who answer the phone without putting on their glasses first – which in the case of lonely elderly people may sound like a welcome contact.  Fuck you whoever you are – fuck you to Nigeria and back for putting your greed at the front of your morality.  My aunt is 99 today and still as bright as a button – only seems like yesterday when she was buying me 99s and other ice cream delights – simple pleasures – long before the digital age.  Sweet childhood memories of walking with her up the cold dark street of a country town on a Saturday night and bringing home a cluster of ice-cream cones splashed with raspberry cordial for her sisters sitting at a fire and watching tv with their mother – it wouldn’t happen today.  Tomorrow another week begins and this one is exciting. 007 Chat soon.

Tootle

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