PaulineCurtin's Blog

ANOTHER WORLD TOUR OF CORK

paulinecurtin — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 13:38:22 +0000

It started with one gig and then the offers started pouring in – which means I’m off to the city on the Lee tomorrow to start the Cork tour off with a huge charity bash in the fabuloso Clarion hotel – followed by Friday night in the riotously successful – Rebels comedy club run by the amazing Ann Marie Lewis. Have decided to take the train and read on the way down and maybe dicky up the sets a bit over a spot of lunch. Just need to finalise the wardrobe details. Although today is quite a busy day as I’ve left the old jalopy in for a service – look it goes – isn’t that what a car is supposed to do? A to B and all that. This disruption to my schedule means no trip to the ‘heated outdoor‘ today – one will survive – one always does. Unfortunately I’ve had to cancel my trip to the Kusanta Comedy Club on Friday for a Smackdown with all those lovely young comedians – I’m sure I would have lasted a whole two minutes – as I said – one will survive. The next comedy tour is actually abroad and involves bonny Scotland – and there even is an actual contract involved – how cool is that – more details nearer the time. Meanwhile some comedy writing is in order I think. Now for today’s tips. 1. How to live for practically nothing : become a superstar and then you will get stuff for nothing – people love to suck up. 2. How to be happier : don’t confuse sucking up with true friendship – true friends are nice to you on all rungs of the ladder. Chat soon.

Tootle

DRIVING MYSELF TO CORK

paulinecurtin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 14:55:04 +0000

Am considering driving myself to Cork on Thursday for a gig which I have been offered – the only trouble is that all the money that you would save by not taking the train would be spent on car-parking fees and these ain’t cheap and I’d get into a big sweat coming into Cork about which turn to take off that big roundabout thing. There was a time when I was younger and I would have driven anywhere – anytime – any place! Even drove to Moscow from London at a time when Eastern Europe was a proper communist bloc and you had the cold war and we had our van searched with mirrors going through Checkpoint Charlie between East and West Berlin – ah those were the days of travel romance – even when the going was tough – before all these cheap flights bringing knacks to places they can’t spell just to drink and misbehave. I remember hanging about all those communist border crossings in the hot sun – there was a particularly annoying wait betweet East Germany and Poland – I think the border guards just liked to keep you waiting because they could – it was as much power as they had and they wanted to use it. Remember some God awful border between Russia and somewhere else and the guards only had two words of English ‘George Best’. All men speak football. May chicken and take the train – as part of a series of spring breaks – though if I stay in a hotel with a car park….. will have to think about this one. Made it to the ‘heated outdoor‘ this morning and followed this with lovely chats in the jacuzzi and sauna – spot of lunch and now time for an afternoon of comedy writing. Shall have to put ear plugs in as there is one fuck of a building machine making noise up the road – I always think that this level of noise should not be allowed – one day it won’t – although I wouldn’t like to be the one that tells the building trade to keep it down – they can be a rough shower to deal with. Tips for today. 1. How to live for practically nothing : take the bus to Cork – though I wouldn’t recommend it – 4.25 hrs! and what if some kid chunders? 2. How to be happy – go to Cork as often as you can for a lovely relaxing break. Chat soon.

Tootle

A LATE BEGINNING WEEK

paulinecurtin — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 19:44:21 +0000

Got up late today – as per usual – the plan was to talk to the people in the VHI about whether I should reduce my plan in order to save money but instead I phoned my friend Peter who knows everything – he said that at my age I’d be mad to reduce cover – I said the VHI doesn’t cover madness – although it does if you’re going into the looney bin for a couple of months – I’ve decided that I’m not going that route – instead I’m going to stand up on the comedy stage and say what I really feel – which is sort of the same thing. Peter had cancer and benefitted tremendously from being in the VHI but I’m not planning on being ill – so I’ll get no benefits except the benefits of being totes healthy – see my dilemma? So like all matters of insurance I’ll stay in because of the fear factor – that and the ‘semi-private‘ versus public ward factor – I’ll just cut back on the first class transatlantics then. Mind you I’m getting a little tired of the prevalence of the phrase ‘given your age’ these days. So instead of going into town I crossed the backyard into the writing room and have just spent three hours dickying up the set – you don’t get that much done in 3 hours to be quite honest with you but I’m feeling quite satisfied with myself. But the great advantage of working in the writing room is that there is no internet access – just shelves of books – which I dip into occasionally when taking a little break – a very pleasureable and profitable experience – and one you don’t get with Kindles and that class of electronic device. Back in the nest now and watching a programme which features the archives of BBC northern Ireland – brings me back to the long lost countryside of my childhood when I lived in the most enormous house in County Tyrone – eight bedrooms no less! As a tiny kiddy I used to ride my little tricycle up and down one of the corridors upstairs – think that scene from The Shining – one unfortunate feature of this house was that it was haunted by a woman who was murdered there in the 1950s – sometimes she passed through my bedroom at night – I was too young to know that ghosts were supposed to be frightening – so she didn’t frighten me! Although when my late father encountered her one dark winter afternoon near my bedroom – my parents changed my bedroom to a room nearer theirs!. Now for my daily tips 1. How do live for practically nothing – follow the ‘eat what’s in the cupboard/fridge diet‘ – which I am going to do right now – there are eggs who expire today and a pile mushrooms on death row – so a mushroom omlette is on the menu – luckily there’s a drop of Chablis left in the fridge. 2. How to be happier : A mushroom omlette with a glass of Chablis and a tossed green salad – sure you wouldn’t do better in the Marais district of Paris. Chat soon.

Tootle

A FUN FILLED NIGHT OF LAUGHTER WITH THE GIRLS

paulinecurtin — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 16:11:43 +0000

“Are you a member here?” asked the blonde woman with two perfect pampereds in tow – Given that I was leaving the gym looking pink and glowing with a kit bag – it seemed to be somewhat of a superfluous inquiry. Blondie and I had worked together many moons ago and I suspect she was a little surprised that I would show up in a place which is a temple to success. “Yes, it’s lovely isn’t it“. I replied insouciently. “We’re going to play tennis” she said. Tennis membership is extra and v. expensive. “See you” we muttered cheerfully – that great cover all phrase which works when there is a lot unsaid. Went to Kiely’s Komedy last night which is being got off the ground by the indefatigueable Maxine – who knows how to run a good gig and is above the politics of the usual smurch that often goes on in the comedy world – (please no comments – I said ‘often‘ I wasn’t referring to you). Had a lovely catch up with Noirin and Fiona and the lads from Galway – who drove from Galway and were heading back there after the gig! The vigour of youth or what! Though when I was their age I used to drive to Galway to play in hockey tournaments when I played for Pembroke Wanderers – ah, those were the days of chatting up boys at discos and then tried to turn myself into the sort of creature they would want you to be so that they would like you – now I seem to have learned to like myself – which is a lot more comfortable – and involves wearing warm clothes when the temperatures dip below freezing and shoes that you can walk in. Got a text to check my availabillity for Fair City tomorrow – of course I am – such an easy gig – though if I’m not called I can have a glass of Pinot Noir with my tea – swings and roundabouts. The foxes have taken yet another dish up to the orchard – when I say dish I mean empty ice cream carton of no commercial value – but I dread to think what their lair is beginning to look like. Was awoken by the sound of the Dreary’s front door being slammed at an early hour this morning – 7.30 to be exact – on a Sunday – Mr D was driving the Dreary daughter with her sports bag to some fixture or other – and then she’ll have be collected later – Mrs D is enjoying her broken ankle or whatever and hasn’t been seen for weeks – Mrs D would appear to have copped on to the fact that if you’re hors de combat that someone else will do it – like if you can’t drive you can’t drive. Interesting to see how this domestic drama pans out. The children were sent to the shops yesterday – Mrs D is having an epiphany! Now before I tootle off to buy masking tape to continue decorating the nest – (I know it doesn’t sound exciting but it has a sort of meditative lovliness) Here are my two helpful hints for today 1. How to live for practically nothing : You don’t need as many showers as you think you do (all this showering is a product of the generation that grew up watching Americans do it in films) we are a nation whose ancestors only did it in a tin bath on the kitchen floor on a Saturday night – remember your roots – and anyway if you don’t turn on the central heating you won’t sweat! – and if you do need to warm up now and then – turn on the wireless and dance around the kitchen to some popular music! 2. How to be happier – dance around the kitchen to popular music and use your imagination to fill in the rest of the picture. Chat soon.

Tootle

SWIMMING WITH SHARKS

paulinecurtin — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 19:19:34 +0000

Is that….? I wondered when I saw him come into the indoor swimming pool today – it was – one of the giants of the financial world in Eire – big into mergers and aquisitions and not noted for being genteel in that department either – he headed for one of the lanes – the main part of the ‘heated indoor‘ was taken up with screetching pampereds and the ‘heated outdoor’ wasn’t open until 5. There was a small woman already swimming in the lane but the club ettiquette is that you can share lanes when it’s busy – he wasn’t into sharing – certainly not noted for it in the business world – he swooshed up and down with his head under water like a giant manatee leaving it to the poor woman to move out of the way every time he passed – I suppose if it works in business….. There’s an interesting thing about getting older – you become invisible and people never think that you are listening attentively to their conversations when you are lying down in the sauna – there was a pop star there today – no I have no idea who he is – going on a tour and bringing out a new album – he was telling his friend all the exciting details – they nearly put me to sleep. The ladies in the changeing room were delighted to be finished their workout – “now I don’t feel so bad about having my dinner” said one! Why should you feel bad about that I wondered or is keeping as thin as an X-ray part of the marriage agreement with ‘he who pays the bills’ this club ‘ain’t cheap. I never feel bad, even when I should – like tonight I’m going to Kiely’s comedy where I shall laugh and drink beer and then tomorrow I’ll think of something else to do to amuse myself. Now for my little tips. 1. How to live for practically nothing : marry money – seems this ancient practise still goes on but you’ll probably have to stay stick insect thin which won’t be easy with all those blow jobs where you’ll have to swallow. 2. How to be happier : drink beer and eat potato salad. Chat soon.

Tootle

PAINTING THE SISTINE CHAPEL

paulinecurtin — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 13:43:34 +0000

Well, actually it’s the ceiling in my nest – my boudoir – was so satisified after 5 hours of writing in the writing room yesterday that I’ve now been infected by a touch of Puritanism and have decided to give the ‘heated outdoor’ a miss and prep the ceiling in my nest for painting – first of all there’s the fungicide for that bit of damp in the corner – the damp has been fixed from the attic side but the spores remain – they always do! Anyway then there’s the washing of the whole ceiling with sugar soap – and when that is dry you paint the parts that the damp was on with a masking paint AND THEN you can paint the ceiling – sounds tiresome but then that’s what audio books are for – the perfect marriage of mind and body. The whingeing wimmin on TV 2 and a half today were discussing an article about Geo Clooney which said that he was lonely sometimes and couldn’t sleep properly – and they were all chipping in with their own inane soundbytes on the matter – thing is that Geo is an Enneagram Type 7 – a head type – with huge mental energy who would naturally find it v. difficult to stop and pause and breathe – if he understood his Enneagram type he would find a lot of answers – but then you can’t say this to a panel on a trite TV show – they’d think you were a few cents short of a euro – so on the chattering goes. I’m not a head type myself – but some days – the simplicity of painting a ceiling and listing to a detective story on the radio brings more pleasure and respite from my own inner chattering than one could imagine. After that I’m going back into the writing room for some more comedy writing. Eamonn sent me the most delightful thank you note for the tiny present I brought to his marvellous party on Saturday – such a joy to realise that civilised letter writing has not died. Meanwhile my daily tips 1. How to live for practically nothing : Very old underwear with holes in it is perfectly acceptable and indeed often very comfortable – there is no need to rush out and buy new frillies in bright colours every five minutes unless you are a bit of a slut. 2. How to be happy : A cup of tea in the middle of the afternoon with two langues de chat biscuits and your feet up – whilst listening to the wireless – an underestimated pleasure. Chat soon.

Tootle

A DAY IN THE POTTING SHED

paulinecurtin — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 19:42:26 +0000

Well it’s not actually the potting shed – it’s my garage/writingroom – it’s where I write comedy and paint pictures and I fooled myself into going there by saying that it would be only for two hours but I stayed over 5 and wrote loads of comedy! I think there’s a part of me that knows it’s going to be fooled and hence the reluctance to sit down and write – but when I took out my forthcoming gig list I realised it was long and there was a lot of work involved so work I did. My garage/writingroom does not have internet access so there is no little temptation to ‘check my mail‘ – like check and see if I’ve got yet another internet offer of penis enlargement or the line up for some comedy gig in New York which I can’t attend on account of living in Eire – and no temptation to look at Facebook to see which comedian is having 10 gigs this week – three of them in the International bar! Though it is nice to see posts from my Enneagram chums in America and Africa – sort of shrinks the globe. Instead for my little breaks I read a bit of my current book which is called ‘Bright Sided‘ by Barbara Ehrenreich – which is about the over use of positivity in America – would have been even more interesting if she had known the Enneagram and the Type 3 personality – still a good read. I’m quite positive in my own way but don’t really show it - the ‘have a nice day’ shit is far too exhausting pour moi. My comedic style is more Jack Dee than Lee Evans – not great for comedy smack downs though – by the way I’m doing one next week in the Kusanta comedy club in Tallaght – hate these things – better stuff the girls into a good bra, smear on the Chanel red lippy and put a smile on my face. Now for my tips (no pun intended) 1. How to live for practically nothing : Don’t have cats – those trips to Mr Vet ain’t cheap. 2. How to be happy : have cats – they give you love and stroking them reduces blood pressure. Yes, I know it’s contradictory – when did that become a crime? Chat soon.

Tootle

LOOKS LIKE IT’S GOING TO BE THE GYM

paulinecurtin — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 14:06:25 +0000

I had a plan when I woke up and before I knew what time it was – that if it was early I would hoof it into town and talk to the folks at the VHI about my health plan and that if it was late I would go to the gym and have a ‘work-out‘. Turns out it was too late to see the folks at the VHI – as they knock off at four thirty! Well the public office anyhow – they probably have good reasons for this (and no doubt if they read my blog they will tell me in no uncertain terms) – 4.30 is tiffin time – there are buns to be eaten and tea to be brewed and cigarettes to be smoked. No wonder the premiums are so high. The folks up the Automobile Association, on the other hand, keep their public office open till half past five – their premiums are reasonable enough. So it’s the super duper gym then. There was a girl in an evening dress alone on the bus on Saturday night – it was late – it was the last bus. She had a bare back and bare arms and a clutch evening bag. She was texting and crying softly. The date had gone wrong. She looked liked she had walked out but now regretted it. Sometimes it’s better to leave and move on. It’s nice though to know that your emotions still work. But the pain of early love is sometimes too high a price to pay for being human – first you should love yourself and then you can survive the slings and arrows a little better. If you look like you can survive you won’t attract the vermin – they pick their battles. Enough philosophy now what’s for tea? Unfortunately that was a thought that frequently popped into my head when making love – maybe it was because I never met anyone capable of doing it right – i.e. doing it in a way that would empty your head of chattering thoughts. Just because you ‘own one‘ doesn’t mean you know how to use it. This was something I always wanted to say to “The Baguette” as I used to call him to myself – but he looked lovely and was quite famous in the world of film and television so I said nothing. Anyway now for todays tips. Firstly. How to live for practically nothing : This only applies to menopausal wimmin though it may work for others, try it and see : eat a diet rich in red wine, chocolate, strong coffee and Tabasco sauce and you will have so many hot flushes that you will never need to turn on the central heating. 2. How to be happy : eat a diet rich in red wine, chocolate, strong coffee and Tabasco sauce. Chat soon.

Tootle

THE LURVE DAY!

paulinecurtin — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 14:10:46 +0000

Today is Valentine’s day in case you could have possibly missed this ubiquitous fact – it is a media worker’s dream – it is the time to write the shite that sells roses in expensive bunches and see through knickers with shiney metal hearts for skanks and pink plastic shoes with six inch heels to keep them busy in A & E when the skanks fall down later on after 12 voddies and red bulls – on the other side of town restaurants will double their prices and instruct the staff to smile broadly and often and put bits of pink on the menu and call things silly French names – like love pommes de terre, love soupe and love gateau. Cynical moi? My day started off delightfully when I sprung from the nest at an early hour and downed a couple of mugs of good hot strong coffee before hightailing it to the ‘heated outdoor‘ which was full with the hardy annuals – the elderly men with the bodies of Trojan Gods who do a few lengths in the early morning sun. I joined them for the best part of an hour swimming in the freezing cold February morning sun – it was delightfully followed by a welcome steaming hot jacuzzi and a sauna for tired limbs. Home for a spot of lunch followed by watching some real shite on the tellybox. If you want tat on the telly for Valentines you couldn’t do worse than watch Four Weddings – Adam has just been disqualified because he and his fellow broke up and he is crying and the three large burds with common accents and Rimmel make up pretend to care. “Her dress was too short but apart from that it was stunning” said the Welsh valley girl about the African girl. “I was praying to God please let it be over” – sounds a lot funnier in a valley accent. They’re not picked for these shows according to the finishing schools they went to that’s for sure. Talking about shite – the Drearies have had Dyno Rod out again – does she not connect the constant blocking up of the loos with her constant cooking of garlic and onions? At least once a fortnight the big ‘shit clearing’ truck comes out and puts down rods and shoves on the waste on it’s journey to the Irish sea. Now yer man is packing up and the other fella is throwing a big container of green disinfectant over the front garden. Merciful hower. Quelle mythology! My only plans for this evening are to bring Moses to Mr Vet for his annual vacination and check up and then the usual booking of hotels and planes for future trips. Writing – that’s on the agenda too – with lots of gigs coming up. Now for the two love tips 1. How to live for practically nothing on Valentine’s day : Save yourself a fortune by tellling your ‘beloved‘ that you would prefer to spend a cozy night in together, so strong is your love for each other – and then you can go and buy some really cheap fizz in Lidl and one of their stunningly good value pizzas and a tub of something choclatey with a German name and hope to God it’s a desert! How to be happy on Valentine’s day : Get a cat. Chat soon.

Tootle

MONDAY MONDAY YOU’RE SO GOOD TO ME

paulinecurtin — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 14:56:59 +0000

As the old song went – and this one isn’t so bad – first of all it let me have a loooonnnngg lie in – no surprise there I hear you say – there’s a touch of Spring in the air and my plans for today are to do very little – what’s wrong with that. Although the very little includes booking hotels and airline tickets for forthcoming trips and taking Moses to the vet for his annual check up and making my tea and a little writing for future stage performances. Yes, it’s a charmed life and I am grateful. I’ve had other lives which weren’t charmed at all so I know the difference. Like when I was in boarding school in Eire during a period when such establishments were run along the lines of a concentration camp by jailer nuns. Mostly we were hungry and cold and not allowed to speak – yes, it’s true – out of the 24 hours that are in one day I think we were actually allowed to speak to each other for less than three of those – the rest of our lives were conducted in silence – which is probably why I am now grabbing the ‘microphone of life‘ in my later years and running with it! And it’s not like those silent hours were productive in terms of meditative practice or anying – no they were spent praying in the church which was extremely boring and studying a lot of stuff which has not much relevance in these transitory times – like the reproductive system of the fern (v. complicated – they are so the sexual deviants of the plant world) or declining Irish verbs (may come in handy if you’re a Yank wanting to capitalise on making learning Irish sound amusing) and reading Livy in Latin. (could come in handy if you ever need to bring elephants across the Alps) Another thing I am going to do today is to book the old jalopy in for a service so I can drive to Cork next month for the party of the year on Leeside when my cousin has a significant birthday. All is quiet here in Leafy Land – Mr Dreary has come home for lunch as Mrs D has sprained or broken a bone at the end of her leg. It’s mid-term so the Dreary children don’t have to be ferried to and from school. But mid-term also means crowds of them in the super duper swimming pool. Saw a small boy there the other day – like he was four at the most and he had a huge belly over hanging his swimming trunks! Turns out his mum and his sister were also fat – although you’re not allowed say fat anymore you’re supposed to say something like – his mum and his sister were ‘proud fun loving girls with a big appetite for life’. Bet there’s chips for tea in that house followed by lots of chocolate – well the kid didn’t get like that from eating salad did he ?. Watched Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes on YouTube again last night as there was nothing much on the tellybox – well there was ‘Merdy Borden‘ talking to ‘Gay Borden‘ about the mystery of life – another product of chips for tea!. Anyway the thing that always seemed strange about Ricky at the Globes was why were more people not laughing – because he was funny – then it occurred to me – they can’t – their faces can’t move with the botox – they want to laugh – like a stroke victim wants to talk - but all they can manage is a vague look of nothing. And people get botox why? Life is a mystery alright. Now for the tips. 1. How to live for practically nothing : for Valentine’s Day non-vintage champagne is totes acceptable. And 2. How to be happier. Unless you are a teacher and have no choice in the matter – take your spring break after the little pampereds have gone back to school – where they don’t spend enough time anyway. You don’t want the sound of wailing on the plane – so hard on the hangover headache. Chat soon.

Tootle